Back Again - with news!

It been a long time - just to give everyone caught up with my life I have good news and some usual bull crap about Carter's father.

The good first, Carter is doing fine - these are his Christmas pictures. He's so independent already and he lets you know what he likes. He's in daycare now and he likes it. There are some mornings he goes in and doesn't even look back to say bye. I have to get my hugs and kisses before I bring him to the classroom. He'll be two soon - time is going by so fast. And he's getting so big, it takes a lot for me to carry him for a minute sometimes. I'm starting to look at charter schools already cuz the waiting list to so long and I got 3 more years until public school.

Secondly, I have full custody of Carter now - for those who don't know the reason - due to the fact that in June his father took Carter to NC to visit family HE SAID he wanted to spend time with him, so I let him go which was bad judgment on my part.

Well I found out he left Carter with his mom to take care him while he went out to have fun. Next his cell phone was out of minutes and I had no way of contacting him. Next I found out his mother went to work and left Carter with her 16 yr old daughter who forgot she had a dentist appointment and left Carter with her cousin - someone Carter and I only met once. Then his father was suppose to bring Carter back home on a Sunday he didn't show up until Tuesday, after I had to bug out on his mom and call the police to make sure he left NC. That ordeal was the scariest thing I ever had to go through - thats what made me decide to go to court for custody.

His lawyer advised him after 6 months of nonsense that it would be better this way for now. He said he's trying to get his own place and wants to have overnight visits when he gets settle, but right now I still don't feel comfortable with that, so in some mean way I hope it take him some time before he get a place. He still has his visits once a week though. That where the bad news come in.

I'm find myself just pissed off with him all the time - here's the situation. Even though he didn't show up for Carter's first birthday and knowing I had plans, I changed them and agreed to let his father spend time with Carter today for his birthday. All he had to do was show up - do you think he did - No he didn't - do you think he called with a explanation - No he didn't.

I'm really getting tired of giving him chance after chance. My mom gave up on my dad and told him if he couldn't do right by me than just leave me alone. Grant it he was a no good addict at the time and I believe she did the right thing. I just feel sometimes she just gave him the easy way out and thats not what I want to do. I believe thats the problem with absent fathers we give them a free pass and they runaway with it, with many not even trying to refuse it and try to do right. Someone told me that guys just don't have the same parenting skills like us mothers, but I just can't agree with that - I just feel thats an excuse for there actions.

I don't wanna give him a free pass, I want Carter to have his father in his life. I know - I know I can't make him be the father I want him to be, but I just can't give in or give up. Or maybe I'm afraid he'll be like my father and take his free pass and run - I don't want Carter feeling that pain and rejection. Now I understand why parents want to do whatever it takes to protect their child.

I want to talk to his father about this but he just let it go in one ear and out the other. I left him a message a little while ago telling him what he did today wasn't cool - trust me when I tell you this, when I see him again I won't get any apologies or a reason why.

PRAY FOR ME AND CARTER!

Now can you believe he tried to kiss me yesterday!!!!

I let him take Carter to see his aunt and I know the trip was legit so there was no worry this time, and after he brought him home and was getting ready to leave, he grab me to say goodbye and tried to kiss me but I turned my face just in time. I was so shocked by that I had no words for him.

I told my homeboy about it and he said not to take it so seriously, he probably did it cuz he's horny and he hadn't seen me in a while. I wanted to have a cleaner analogy and think he probably was happy I let him have some free time with Carter with no drama.

Nevertheless, I just can't believe that he would do that regardless, knowing we ain't together anymore. Also it's pisses me off because I thought I have come to a level of dealing with our breakup and now I'm starting to miss him just a little bit because I know I have to remember the reality - that my trust in him is gone and he would have to do a major 360 for me to forgive him.

This is in response to my last post and people's comments to it. I understand he will be missin' out but so will my baby. I know no matter what Carter has me, but I can see he's missing his dad. Sometimes I catch him looking at guys that resemble him and smile.

I want to call him and tell him to stop by but I shouldn't have to do all the work - he should be the one making the effort. I never said he can call every other weekend - if that - to check up on him. Time is going by so fast, he's missin out on his development. I invited him to our baby gym class every Tuesday and Thursday - he hasn't come yet. I want to give up but I just can't - for Carter's sake, and so he'll know one day that I tried my best to make things better for all of us.

Also, I still don't trust him when he takes him out. I don't want him over his girl's place playin house, and now he's always out of minutes on his phone and I refuse to call his girl to find out where he is - that's JUST INSANE to me. I just feel for Carter cuz I grew up wanting that father figure, and I guess I'm trying to avoid that for him.

Now I'm planning for his 1st birthday, and I told him he needs to start saving money to pay for the food - I just have this feeling he's either going to flake out at the last minute and I have to foot the bill, or he'll ask his girl to help him. Either way if he does that he's not invited to the party. I made sure he doesn't know the location until the day of, and OH MY GOODNESS, his girl better not make an appearance.

As a whole I just have a lot of pent-up frustration that I know I have to air out in his direction I want to tell him how he's hurt me and how he needs to get his shit together but if he doesn't listen to his own mother about these things I know he wouldn't give a damn about what I have to say. And I don't want to put my heart on the line to deaf ears.

I know it's been a month since my last entry - just to keep you posted, me and Carter's father is still a mess. He's still lyin, I'm still giving him chances like an idiot, but other than that Carter's growing up to be a cutie, I need to get more pics for everyone to see. He's crawling, and I'm trying to get him to walk, but he'll do it when he's ready.

I went to NC to see his family - the trip was nice and very informative. I'm starting to see where Carter's father is getting his habits from. Not to knock on anyone - his mom was kind, showed love for Carter, and I know she appreciates me, but I guess I wasn't respecting her lifestyle. I was raised on my mom never bringing her relations in my presense until she knew for sure they meant something special, grant it to my knowledge I know of two men in my 28 years on this earth that came to the house - she just believed that she didn't want men coming in and out of my life.

Now with his mom a different story and I guess since thats how he was raised, he finds that acceptable with my son. How can I tell him without sounding disrespectful to his mom.

Now his mom is planning to move to another part of NC, and since he's been dying to leave town, it won't be long before he's out of my eyesight - but not out of my heart. I've been wondering to myself - why do we have to wait for the guy to get his stuff together(want to say the other word but I'm being nice).

Not that my life is 100% but I'm starting to have thoughts about talking to him and trying to help him get things going in the right direction so maybe things would get better between the both of us.

A part of me feels like a fool, but there's another part that telling me I gotta do what I can to make a family for our son. I lived that single parent life, and I promised myself I wouldn't raise my children like that. We say we want our children to have a better life than us, well thats a life I never had, and they say relationships take work - well I'm doing overtime. He thinks by leaving his problems are going away - he doesn't realize Carter isn't a problem and he's not going anywhere.