Every time I think things could be okay between me and Carter's father he goes and proves me wrong. To make this entry short I let him spend time with Carter for the day - he told me he was going to the Bronx to see family. Now that I know he's living at his girlfriend's apartment I told him numerous times I didn't want my baby there. I didn't want Carter around her and her family because basically I know how some females (and trust me I played this game once) involved with men and their kids thinks - that best way to get closer is to bond with their child. Make them believe they would be the better mom. I will not have my baby used so she could get closer to him.

He lied to me and spent his day over there and what made the situation worst, we had to go to Babies R.Us the next day to buy some things (which I asked him in advanced) and he waits to tell me he didn't have any money - that's not all - he was going to call her for some money. I told him no way. On top of her trying to be stepmom now she's the provider. :(

He's pissing me off - I tried so hard to make this situation civil. I don't like confrontation, and I don't want to be that bitch, but he's really turning me into one. Now I have to put my foot down and tell him he has to come to my house to see Carter, and I know he's going to be pissed but he doesn't see that he did this to himself. I don't ask him for anything - no child support, I let him do whatever he wants but that has to stop - I'm driving myself crazy.

My friend told me this situation with his girl has more to do with me than Carter, but I disagree. I don't want him to grow up thinking it's okay to lie and use people and disrespect women - yes, I feel he's disrespectful to me by throwing his new relationship in my face and forcing me to grin and bear it.

The next time I speak to him I have to put this all out on the table - I bet the next entry will be me talking about filing child support papers and Carter having an absent father.

I need to put this out there - I know it's been awhile since I wrote on here but not a lot of things have been going on. Carter's has a cold and I trying to take care of him on my own but it hard when I have Mom around telling me what I should do - giving me orders like I'm taking care of her child. And I swear I'm getting sick of her calling Carter "My baby".

He'll be 8 months in 4 days and he's trying so hard to walk now - he don't want to sit still anymore - thats how I knew he was sick because he just wanted to sleep and lay in his bed all day. The sad part about him being that way was not having his dad around. I let him know what was going on but in my mind I wanted him there with me helping out and being there for Carter.

We took him the doctor's office today, and when Carter saw his dad he just lit up - he didn't fuss and try to come to me, he was so content and that made me happy and sad at the same time.

Happy because I love seeing that bond that they have together - I love seeing any man being a father to their child. It made me sad because I miss seeing it on a regular basis - I miss being together in my apartment laying in bed having Carter in the middle and I watch him play with him or putting him asleep in his arms - I just basically miss family time.

That's all I wanted from day one - to build a family with him, and I get so mad because he fucked it up - pardon my language - To me there was no reason for him to give up on us. I feel like he just left me hanging on a string just clinging to hope and I feel like a fool for missing him. It's starting to piss me off cause I'm the only one that wants us together.

I don't want to sound cruel or offend anyone but I just didn't want to be a statistic, a Baby Mama. I guess the question I need to ask myself and analyze is - Is it worth the fight? Should I just throw caution to the wind and tell him that I want him back, after everything he has done to me, do I want to start over and build this relationship the way it should be for us and for Carter. Make that family that neither one of us had?

I just don't know!!!!