I need to put this out there - I know it's been awhile since I wrote on here but not a lot of things have been going on. Carter's has a cold and I trying to take care of him on my own but it hard when I have Mom around telling me what I should do - giving me orders like I'm taking care of her child. And I swear I'm getting sick of her calling Carter "My baby".

He'll be 8 months in 4 days and he's trying so hard to walk now - he don't want to sit still anymore - thats how I knew he was sick because he just wanted to sleep and lay in his bed all day. The sad part about him being that way was not having his dad around. I let him know what was going on but in my mind I wanted him there with me helping out and being there for Carter.

We took him the doctor's office today, and when Carter saw his dad he just lit up - he didn't fuss and try to come to me, he was so content and that made me happy and sad at the same time.

Happy because I love seeing that bond that they have together - I love seeing any man being a father to their child. It made me sad because I miss seeing it on a regular basis - I miss being together in my apartment laying in bed having Carter in the middle and I watch him play with him or putting him asleep in his arms - I just basically miss family time.

That's all I wanted from day one - to build a family with him, and I get so mad because he fucked it up - pardon my language - To me there was no reason for him to give up on us. I feel like he just left me hanging on a string just clinging to hope and I feel like a fool for missing him. It's starting to piss me off cause I'm the only one that wants us together.

I don't want to sound cruel or offend anyone but I just didn't want to be a statistic, a Baby Mama. I guess the question I need to ask myself and analyze is - Is it worth the fight? Should I just throw caution to the wind and tell him that I want him back, after everything he has done to me, do I want to start over and build this relationship the way it should be for us and for Carter. Make that family that neither one of us had?

I just don't know!!!!